Today introduces a new feature I’m experimenting with as a play off of the über popular Throwback Thursdays! Throwback Thursday Thought Piece will be me revisiting memories from the past and spinning them into funny, thought-provoking but most importantly, just entertaining. So what memory gets the honor of being my first TTTP?

My first kiss.

I was in the first grade at my second (and not last) elementary school when the magical deed happened. My very religious mother was the queen of protecting her youngest child from being exposed to anything sexual or violent and the strongest grasp I had of those adult situations was Gaston falling to his death and Belle kissing the newly transformed Beast/Prince in Beauty and the Beast. Like, I’d seen my father kiss my mother every now and then, when I wasn’t too engrossed in my Barbies, and I just figured it was something only daddy’s and mommy’s did to each other. OMG, sometimes I miss being that innocent.

My 1st grade class and I were in gym seated in lines on the floor, taking turns to do something, my memory isn’t that legit so forgive me if I forget the minute details. We were seated in alphabetical order so I was top of the line at ‘B’. The kid in front of me, whose name was Joshua, was this boy who was always nice to me which was important because I was still the new kid in class. When I sit back and think of him and his little rat-tail hair, I can’t help but wonder how long he kept that look and if he ever grew out of it. Like, let’s hope to GAWD that he did but I’ll let him live his life because I had some questionable hairdos back in the day too and no you will not be receiving photographic evidence of that so don’t waste your time asking, okay thanks bye.

So each kid was supposed to take their turn, then go to the back of the line for the eventual reset. Joshua runs up to do his thing, I’m just sitting there minding my business, and on his way back to the line and the back of the line, he lays one right on my cheek. No words, no warning, just gets down on my level, kisses me on the cheek and runs off to the back of the line. I like any normal 6-year old scream and go “EW!” and immediately get shushed by my teacher. I was so confused! Why would he do that? Does he like me? Why does it burn? Should I tell?

A couple of the kids are giggling and gasping, immediately whispering of our public tryst while I’m completely MORTIFIED.  I wipe off my cheek, compose myself and get up to have my turn at the activity. The worst part was after I finished, I had to go back to the line to sit behind the kid who accosted me. Like damn dude, at least buy me a cookie first before you go stealing kisses? I’m a respectable young lady and these light-up shoes don’t flicker for just anyone.

I get to the line and Joshua says nothing to me. Doesn’t even acknowledge that I’m there. I’m definitely not gonna ask him WTF that display was before so I leave it alone thinking it’s done. BOY WAS I WRONG. Second turn comes around for the game, he goes up and does his thing, whips back over to the line, gets down and kisses me again, BUT THIS TIME ON THE LIPS. I SHRIEKED. I’m pretty sure I told him to stop, like dude no, means no, respect me, please?

The most hilarious thing about this situation is that 1. I don’t even know if I was the first girl Joshua planted one on, like maybe that was just a thing he did. 2. He was like extremely nice to me after that all the way into the second grade but I had to watch out for him on Freaky Friday’s when he and the other boys would try looking up girls’ skirts under the lunch table. 3. The reason the niceties lasted up to and only to the 2nd grade was because one day at recess I said “dammit” and that mofo ran so fast to the nearest teacher and told on me. He was the human equivalent of a damn wire tap and got me in trouble! I immediately ended any and all interactions outside of the classroom with that kid because I knew even then that a snitch was not a quality playground buddy. Man, I’m so salty he was my first kiss. LITTLE JERK.

The lesson to take away from this story is girls rule, boys drool. Goodnight.

Do you have a first kiss story that’s a little more romantic than mine? Was it absolutely mortifying or hilarious? Share it in the comments!