Oh, what’s that? This album came out in 2013 and I’m like totes behind? That’s cool.
Now just because I’m not a certified member of the Beyhive, let alone an admirer from afar doesn’t mean I can’t recognize talent. Beyoncé is talented, yes. She can dance her ass off, and hell, I was one of her fans up until the end of the Sasha Fierce era. Not quite sure what turned me off, maybe it was the overplay of “Halo” and how trite it was, but I knew at that point that she and I were just done.
But obviously I can’t exist in this world without having a couple of people telling me that I need to consume her tunes because even though I wasn’t a stan, I’d still enjoy them. I’m looking at you, SOLA. So, the other day as I was working on my editorial calendar, I opened up Spotify, found her album, sat my butt down and got my notebook ready to mark upon the life-changing experience that would be, BEYONCE.
1. Pretty Hurts
Apparently an anthem about loving yourself, which as a grown baby lady, is handy, because I need tons of assurance that I am awesome as I is. But you know, India.Arie already did that for me some 14 years ago and I have not forgotten.
So this starts off with a child I’m assuming is King Bey? Speaking. Some beat drops and I’m bopping on my couch because if there’s anything this woman can do for me, it’s make me dance. LOL at her talking about working 9 to 5 to stay alive because bishhhhhh, you wouldn’t know about that life. Is this song in 50 Shades of Grey? Ok, I’ll try to not let my feelings for that get in the way.
3. Drunk In Love
I’ve heard snippets of this song everywhere for the longest time and I was starting to get sick of it. UNTIL Will Ferrell lip-synced to it on Jimmy Fallon on Super Bowl Sunday. Now it’s not so bad. I don’t understand most of what she’s saying before “surfboard” though. Was she ministering to me in tongues? I must not be saved enough.
I’m not paying attention at this point because I’m messing with my editorial calendar, but I heard her say skittle so now I want candy? What’s Marshawn Lynch up to these days?
5. No Angel (the falsetto whisper song)
My attention is still gone honestly because I was trying to describe the show “Happy Endings” to my friend. How do you succinctly summarize the greatest show ever? Nah, seriously, tell me.
This song has a nice beat. It’s helping me write, that’s for sure. On his mouth like liquor. Sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker. These are some catchy lines, okay woman, I’ll give you that (if you wrote this). At this point I can’t tell if the song changes because it sounds different, but I got up to check my Spotify and it’s the same song. OH.
I don’t really care for ballads from Beyoncé. Reference my “Halo” feels from above.
Let me sit this azzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsssss on ya! IDK Bey. I don’t think 8 lbs 6 oz newborn infant Jesus meant for me to hear this.
Ok. So I’m usually great at multi-tasking but because I said I was going to listen to this album and write notes, my attempts at doing that and writing a new blog post are failing. Beyoncé, we are taking this a little too far. Ok, some beat has stopped and it’s….still slow. Tricky hobbittses. Is that Drake?
So I’m halfway through the deluxe edition of the album and…meh.
We’re back to jamming out and this is the Beyoncé I usually have no shame bopping to. OHHHHHH, it’s that song with the Chimamanda Adichie quote that’s been over used and abused all over the lands. I pride myself in being a feminist and will applaud Bey for exposing Adicihie’s flawless description of the plight of modern females to a mass audience. See what I did there?
Ugh, right about now I’m feeling like this was a bad idea. I don’t want to listen to this anymore. Maybe I wasn’t ready to give this a go or maybe it’s just not that captivating to me. Where’s the fun stuff? Oh, was that Frank Ocean? Le sigh.
Blah blah blagh. I can’t even.
I don’t even.
This sounds like a banger but at this point in the album, I don’t care anymore. Can the rest of the album continue like this though?
Then there were remixes, notably the Flawless one with Nicki Minaj who is always a joy to my ear balls. By the time “Ring Off” came on, I was done. But heyyy, I gave it a try, and I’m very proud of myself for giving it a chance. If I ever listen to this album again, it’ll be when I’m feeling some sort of way and just the tracks that didn’t nearly put me to sleep.
I tried, o.
Are you a Beyoncé stan? Can she do no wrong in your eyes? Are you upset at my review? Can I buy your love with cookies?